Two Basic Errors Women Make

I received the following question from a friend (not a client, since client communications are confidential) asking for dating advice. I secured her permission to reprint her (modified) email and my response in full. It demonstrates a couple of basic errors that women make in their dating lives, which they pick up from our Oprahized culture.


Dear JJ:

As you know, I'm a very outspoken, loud, strong and opinionated woman. I speak my mind and know what I like and what I don't like. I am always upfront about my past (cancer) and problems stemming from it. Particularly, as you know I have both scarring and limping as a result of my bout with cancer.

I think my strength, independence, and opinions are awesome attributes for myself to possess, but I honestly feel like it intimidates and/or scares guys away.

I refuse to change who I am, but I thought some outside opinions and thoughts could help me in realizing what or how I could do things differently.

I find that the men that I meet tend to drift off and basically stop talking to me. I'm curious as to why this happens as well.

What do you think?

Girlie

Here is my response:


I don't honestly think that limping or scarring would scare most guys off. If it did, then you didn't want them anyway.

On the other hand, a couple of things that you write about - if I saw them in your profile online or if I noticed them in your character, I would never ask you out. Here's why -

1) "I think those are awesome attributes for myself to possess...." This is a basic mistake that many women make because Oprah tells them it is so. Philosophically, it goes like this: "Whatever makes me (the woman) happy will also make him (the man) happy. What I find attractive in a man is also what men find attractive in a woman."

Utter and complete Balderdash.

First, dating is not about you being happy with who you are - all self-esteem and feminist empowerment nonsense to the contrary. Dating, and building any kind of a relationship, is about making someone else happy. Love is about meeting someone else's needs - selfishness is about insisting that your needs are met. You reveal a self-absorbed outlook in the mere typing of the above sentence that reveals someone who does not have the character to build a long-term relationship with a real man. Sure, you can find somebody with a foot fetish or slave fetish that would just be into worshiping someone sexy - but there would never be a healthy relationship with a real man if you really think in the way that sentence indicates you think.

Secondly, it is NOT true that men find the same things attractive in women that women find in men. Women find independence, self-assurance, and strength attractive in men. Real men find softness, demureness, and a certain vulnerability to be attractive in women. Let me rephrase that - men find those traits desirable in the women who they want to have long term relationships with. Sure, we like loud, brash women too. But those are for short-term flings, if you get my drift.

2) "I refuse to change who I am...." You also, in refusing this, refuse to build a healthy relationship with someone else. Because change and accommodation is a necessary part of living with someone for 40-60 years.

Now, let me clarify for a moment. What I am saying has nothing to do with your status as a cancer survivor. Sure, we are all given the experiences that we are given by God/fate/whatever, and we can't run from who we are. So again, if someone came along and your status as a person scarred by cancer (or whatever) "scared them off," you are better off without them.

But on other matters - should you be willing to change the essential quality of who you are? Again, I realize that fool Oprah Winfrey and the feminism-lite that controls the non-thinking of most of Western culture implies (when it is not screaming it) that if a man is dissatisfied with any aspect of a woman's existence, he is "controlling" or "abusive" or he "ought to accept me [the woman - of course the same rule does not apply to women who want to change men, for in truth, society considers THIS quest to be quite noble] as I am."

Worse Balderdash than the previous.

Only if you postulate that you are perfect and therefore need no improvement or change in your life could it be true that a man mentioning, "Hey, kicking the pit bull may not be a great idea. Maybe you should control your anger." would be abusive or controlling in any way. But again, the feminist-oriented culture (read: utterly non-thinking culture) that is the West assumes that women's character and morality is innately higher than that of men, and therefore women need no change, while women desperately need to change all those deviant men.

But even if it were true that women have higher character than men (and it manifestly is NOT true), your attitude would keep you from building a healthy relationship because it gives off the vibe that you refuse to accommodate others. Love is not affection, lust, or attraction (though most in the ignorant feminist culture believe that it is). Rather, love is a settled commitment to meet the needs of another.

Meeting the needs of another necessarily implies that those who possess such a commitment are willing to change as needs change.

If I am allergic to seafood, then I would expect my significant other to lay off the fish when in my presence. And such an attitude is not "abusive," "controlling," or unreasonable in any way. If my significant other has an allergy to cologne, I will stop wearing it post haste, and it is not unreasonable of her to expect that I would do so. And on a thousand lesser matters, the only healthy relationships are those in which both parties accommodate each other constantly - at least on matters that do not touch on matters of right and wrong (on which matters, of course, there can be no accommodation).

Yes, if your conversations with men are anything like what you write, you are probably scaring the right kind of men away. Because if you really think consistently with what you write, you are very definitely NOT long-term relationship material.

Understanding Bad Boys

There are two kinds of men in the world - the marrying kind, and the non-marrying kind. The non-marrying kind tends to develop a reputation as being "Bad Boys," and trust me, they use their "Bad" both as a means of attracting and repelling women. Bad Boys, in other words, are labeled "bad" not only because they do things that seem inappropriate or cruel, but because they do the one ultimate thing that is guaranteed to flummox and frustrate women - be utterly unavailable for a real relationship.

All men, at a basic level, long to be in long-term relationships with women. But the Bad Boys never seem to get around to it - or if they do, their long-term relationships are punctuated with intermittent breakups, flings, or disappearances. It is important to recognize, when dealing with a "Bad Boy," that he is a "Good Boy" gone bad. Why does this happen?

In my 20+ years of counseling (and my 40 years of locker room conversations with men, some of whom are self-professed "Bad Boys"), I have found that almost every "Bad Boy" was a "Good Boy" with a horrific relationship with a woman in his past. Sometimes that relationship is with his mother. Sometimes with an ex-wife. Most often, something happens early on, as early as the teen or college years, with a girlfriend which solidifies a thought process that male and female relationships are an "Us v. Them" proposition.

Don't worry - Bad Boys will never sneak up on you. Ask him about his friends - all his married ones, he will tell you, are unhappy or on the verge of divorce. Look at the friends he travels with - it will be a rat pack of other bad boys. Listen to them talk - there will be lots of talk (indirectly around you of course) about "conquests." Ask him about his prior relationships - with a rare exception they will be very short, and very shallow. Is he in the practice of dating women who are much younger than he? Read: easy sex, little chance that he will be pressured for ultimate commitment. And in the event that he actually does form some sort of relationship with you, he will be astonishingly lacking in relevant tools for doing the hard work of building a life. He is likely immature, materialistic, brazenly lustful toward other women - perhaps to the point of infidelity, lacking in communication skills, utterly self-referential, and more prone to abandon ship than to invest time and effort when you and he are fighting.

And one of the dead giveaways that your guy is a "Bad Boy" is this: during the time you and he are merely "messing around" (or whatever he calls it), he won't exhibit a preference for female friendship. All of his friends will be his rat pack of male players. After he gets into a relationship with you - viola! - all of a sudden he is surrounded by a bevy of female "friends" that he insists it is necessary to keep in orbit. Think about that....

Can Bad Boys be changed? Sometimes.

Sometimes it is merely a function of growing up and realizing that all women are not as bad as that awful woman in his background. So with a lot of patience, a lot of self-sacrifice, and a lot of forgiveness, if you are the last woman standing when he wakes up and realizes that it is time to grow up, you win.

And sometimes it is matter of finding someone that they are secure to love. Women have incredible power over men - including the power to change them. I have seen the most outrageous players settled down and schooled into a white-picket-fence-and-cocker-spaniel-and-three-kids existence simply because they loved someone.

But recognize that this is the exception, not the rule. Nowadays, with societal expectations changing and the easy availability of sex, there can be little or not motivation for a Bad Boy to change - even at more "advanced" dating ages. And also realize this - even when Bad Boys do change, they leave a wake of broken hearts and emotional (and other) carnage behind them. In other words, you MIGHT be the one who changes him, but what are the odds?

Things You Should Never Say To A Guy....

It is rumored that women are better communicators than are men. I assure you, this is merely a rumor. I have been counseling for 20 years, and while it is true that women TALK more than guys, I would deny that women often SAY more than guys.

And frankly, some of the things that they say are destructive to a relationship. Rule number one with guys: say what you mean when you say it, and always be willing to tell the brutal, honest truth. Rule number two in communicating with guys - we hear what you say, not what you meant to say.

Want more constructive patterns of communication with guys? Try the following on... and NEVER say....

1) "You never listen to me."

Of course I listen to you - I just don't understand you. At a basic level, I am listening very hard for the information that I need to know in order to make changes, solve problems, or help you in the way that you need. It has never occurred to me that you would talk to me merely as a means of establishing intimacy. I am listening hard for something concrete that you want me to know - so when you are tying to bridge the gap and share your feelings, make sure that you couch your communication to me in something that I can KNOW, ACT ON, SOLVE, or DO so that I get what it is that I am supposed to get from our conversation.

2) "Is she pretty?"

Probably, or you wouldn't have even thought of asking. Do you want me to lie or tell you the truth? You better want me to tell you the truth - don't encourage the habit of lying. I know that the foundation of any strong relationship is the truth, but if you train me to lie, I am capable of doing that. Do you want to start a fight? Fine, but remember you are training me to believe that you can't handle the truth - that truth only insults you. Are you asking me what it is that makes me want you more than her? OK, then rephrase the question: "What are some of the things that make you want to be with me?" See how constructive that can be?

3) "Which outfit do you prefer?" or "Does this make me look fat?"

When you ask this, I actually think that my opinion matters. You know, I really do believe that it is a problem that women tend to dress to impress other women rather than to attract men, so if you ask me, I am going to tell you what I really think. And let's face it - men have a different outlook on women's clothes than does "Allure" magazine. But hey - I think that is a postive - because you are never going to DATE the editors of "Allure," are you?

4) "That's not nice."

Maybe not, but it is true - that's why I said it to you. In the male ethical heirarchy, it is OK to say something unpleasant as long as it is true. Nice doesn't enter into the equation. We are accustomed to dealing with behavior that is "not nice" by saying things that are "not nice." The whole idea is to motivate better choices in the future, after all. You wanna tell me that what I said was not true? Fine, that we can talk about. But if what I said was true, then "nice" is utterly irrelevant to what I am trying to communicate to you.

5) "I just want to be friends."

Actually, what you want is for me to stop asking you out. Say so. Give me the freedom to move on to somebody that is romantically interested in me. Don't try to keep me around as a safety valve - it is fair to neither of us.

6) "Nothing is wrong between us."

Balderdash. And this is the surest signal to me that you have given up on our relationship. When people don't even care enough about each other to fight anymore or try to work out their problems, there is no hope. Be honest with me - men are born problem solvers and we live to make things right. Where there is something wrong between us, tell me what it is and let's both work on a solution together. But be sure that you actually do want a solution... I don't want to keep arguments stewing forever in some sort of twisted power play. I want peace, stability, and the freedom to grow in our relationship.

7) "Sports is not important. It is just a game."

BUZZZ! Wrong answer! Sports is important because it reminds me of all the virtues that are necessary to being a man - teamwork, devotion, perseverance, loyalty, and reaching down inside of myself and finding strength when I have every reason to give up. Trust me - when I am forced to live in the presence of men being men, it helps remind me of what it means to be the right kind of man in every area of my life, from work, to home, to love.

8) "We need to talk."

No we don't. What we need to do is "solve a problem." When you say "we need to talk," I fear an endless, meandering soliloquy on your part in which I am lost in a labyrinth of emotions and conversations and details. Tell me, "There is something that is bothering me and I want to see if you can help me solve it." Again, now you are asking for me to do what's natural, and I am already on your side. But remember, men have difficulty establishing intimacy in a merely verbal exchange - so you may turn me off from the beginning if you make me anticipate the verbal equivalent of another afternoon in the principal's office.

9) "That looks cute on you."

For God's sake - I haven't desired cute since I was four wearing that Navy outfit. I am a man - I am a protector and a fighter. I work hard, play hard, and own a pit bull, for crying out loud. The surest way to get me to hate something is to associate it with the word "cute." Tell me it's sexy, manly, or accents that certain part of my body. Show me by your own response that it turns you on. But for crying out loud - leave "cute" in the dressing room at the mall with your sisters!

10) "If you don't _______, I'm leaving."

This is the surest tipoff that you don't love me. Say it, but expect me to hear it. And when I let you go, remember that it was YOU that left. Love, after all, is eternal....

Love's Ugly Stepsister

It ought to seem axiomatic, but unfortunately many things that are obvious are considered to be problematic by our culture.

When we invest ourselves completely in a relationship, and risk so much for the love and affection of one person, cutting ourselves off from the love and affection of every other person for the joy of rooting an eternal love with the one person of our choice, there is bound to be a desire to make sure that the other person is just as committed and just as "off the market" as we make ourselves.

It is commonly believed in our culture that jealousy is a bad thing. But in fact, exclusive, permanent, self-abandoning love is impossible without a tinge of jealousy.

Even in the Jewish and Christian scriptures, the chapter containing the Ten Commandments asserts that God is "a jealous God." Certainly these religious traditions would maintain that God is a loving God - yet his love is manifested in such a way that he can be jealous about the ones that he loves.

All of life is made up of yin and yang, masculine and feminine, positive and negative.

Love is without a doubt, when reciprocated, one of the highest positives in life. But it comes joined with a slight negative. When we commit ourselves to someone else, we take it upon ourselves to guard our relationship so as to ensure that they have committed themselves to the relationship as well.

This tendency to guard our investment in another and reduce the risk is called "jealousy."

Love is beautiful. Jealousy is the ugly stepsister of love. But they are always joined together. Jealousy is that thing in me that reminds the object of my love that he/she has a responsibility to not only NOT break the bounds of our relationship, but to not even APPEAR to break the bounds of the relationship.

Attempting to remove jealousy from the equation ultimately undermines our ability to love. The modern notion that love can exist without jealousy asks us to remove our expectation of both permanence and exclusivity from our romantic entanglements - and the romantic carnage that has been left in the wake of such unrealistic expectations indicates that we would be better off admitting that true love always condones, perhaps even appreciates, the contribution that jealousy makes to keeping people together.