Two Basic Errors Women Make

I received the following question from a friend (not a client, since client communications are confidential) asking for dating advice. I secured her permission to reprint her (modified) email and my response in full. It demonstrates a couple of basic errors that women make in their dating lives, which they pick up from our Oprahized culture.


Dear JJ:

As you know, I'm a very outspoken, loud, strong and opinionated woman. I speak my mind and know what I like and what I don't like. I am always upfront about my past (cancer) and problems stemming from it. Particularly, as you know I have both scarring and limping as a result of my bout with cancer.

I think my strength, independence, and opinions are awesome attributes for myself to possess, but I honestly feel like it intimidates and/or scares guys away.

I refuse to change who I am, but I thought some outside opinions and thoughts could help me in realizing what or how I could do things differently.

I find that the men that I meet tend to drift off and basically stop talking to me. I'm curious as to why this happens as well.

What do you think?

Girlie

Here is my response:


I don't honestly think that limping or scarring would scare most guys off. If it did, then you didn't want them anyway.

On the other hand, a couple of things that you write about - if I saw them in your profile online or if I noticed them in your character, I would never ask you out. Here's why -

1) "I think those are awesome attributes for myself to possess...." This is a basic mistake that many women make because Oprah tells them it is so. Philosophically, it goes like this: "Whatever makes me (the woman) happy will also make him (the man) happy. What I find attractive in a man is also what men find attractive in a woman."

Utter and complete Balderdash.

First, dating is not about you being happy with who you are - all self-esteem and feminist empowerment nonsense to the contrary. Dating, and building any kind of a relationship, is about making someone else happy. Love is about meeting someone else's needs - selfishness is about insisting that your needs are met. You reveal a self-absorbed outlook in the mere typing of the above sentence that reveals someone who does not have the character to build a long-term relationship with a real man. Sure, you can find somebody with a foot fetish or slave fetish that would just be into worshiping someone sexy - but there would never be a healthy relationship with a real man if you really think in the way that sentence indicates you think.

Secondly, it is NOT true that men find the same things attractive in women that women find in men. Women find independence, self-assurance, and strength attractive in men. Real men find softness, demureness, and a certain vulnerability to be attractive in women. Let me rephrase that - men find those traits desirable in the women who they want to have long term relationships with. Sure, we like loud, brash women too. But those are for short-term flings, if you get my drift.

2) "I refuse to change who I am...." You also, in refusing this, refuse to build a healthy relationship with someone else. Because change and accommodation is a necessary part of living with someone for 40-60 years.

Now, let me clarify for a moment. What I am saying has nothing to do with your status as a cancer survivor. Sure, we are all given the experiences that we are given by God/fate/whatever, and we can't run from who we are. So again, if someone came along and your status as a person scarred by cancer (or whatever) "scared them off," you are better off without them.

But on other matters - should you be willing to change the essential quality of who you are? Again, I realize that fool Oprah Winfrey and the feminism-lite that controls the non-thinking of most of Western culture implies (when it is not screaming it) that if a man is dissatisfied with any aspect of a woman's existence, he is "controlling" or "abusive" or he "ought to accept me [the woman - of course the same rule does not apply to women who want to change men, for in truth, society considers THIS quest to be quite noble] as I am."

Worse Balderdash than the previous.

Only if you postulate that you are perfect and therefore need no improvement or change in your life could it be true that a man mentioning, "Hey, kicking the pit bull may not be a great idea. Maybe you should control your anger." would be abusive or controlling in any way. But again, the feminist-oriented culture (read: utterly non-thinking culture) that is the West assumes that women's character and morality is innately higher than that of men, and therefore women need no change, while women desperately need to change all those deviant men.

But even if it were true that women have higher character than men (and it manifestly is NOT true), your attitude would keep you from building a healthy relationship because it gives off the vibe that you refuse to accommodate others. Love is not affection, lust, or attraction (though most in the ignorant feminist culture believe that it is). Rather, love is a settled commitment to meet the needs of another.

Meeting the needs of another necessarily implies that those who possess such a commitment are willing to change as needs change.

If I am allergic to seafood, then I would expect my significant other to lay off the fish when in my presence. And such an attitude is not "abusive," "controlling," or unreasonable in any way. If my significant other has an allergy to cologne, I will stop wearing it post haste, and it is not unreasonable of her to expect that I would do so. And on a thousand lesser matters, the only healthy relationships are those in which both parties accommodate each other constantly - at least on matters that do not touch on matters of right and wrong (on which matters, of course, there can be no accommodation).

Yes, if your conversations with men are anything like what you write, you are probably scaring the right kind of men away. Because if you really think consistently with what you write, you are very definitely NOT long-term relationship material.